Longest blog... EVER

Blogging is so therapeutic for me. Sometimes I think I should just blog for myself and no one needs to read it b/c it accomplishes its purpose by me getting my thoughts down on paper. I am told over and over though, how people love my honesty. I don't know if that means most people lie or keep things quiet that I don't or what. I am not good at lying and I am not good at censoring when to keep my mouth shut. A lot of times that has gotten me in trouble, but I don't think it will today. Anyone who has the stamina to read the entire blog obviously cares enough to deserve to know how I am doing. Anyhow, I need some therapy, so here goes.

My mom was here last week and she was amazing. I had a great time just being with her. When I visit Oklahoma it can be
hard to have "quality" time b/c she is cooking and babysitting and just entertaining. This visit was much different. She spent ALL her time babysitting 3 of us, only a little bit cooking, and I didn't have to share here with anyone else!

It was really fun to watch her get to know the boys better. They can be pretty intense. She learned just how smart Baker is and how ornery Beau is! She got to see their quirks about underwear, their desire to ALWAYS be in costume, and how much they love people.

Life goes at a different pace with the boys. The first few days were stressful b/c I was so helpless but slowly we got into a groove and things were good. Each morning we had eggs, pancakes, and sausage for breakfast. Yum!

On Saturday afternoon they closed the NICU for a procedure and the boys were all asleep, so what did we do? Went to get our eyebrows waxed and ended up with pedicures and manicures! It was great. The whole visit was just nice. I had some postpartum issues after Baker was born while my mom was staying with us in Tulsa. I cried a lot and didn't talk much. This time I was able to open up and talk and talk and talk, and cry and cry and cry.

We tried out a new restaurant "Five Guys, Burgers and Fries". It was excellent. My mom had read about it in Restaurant Magazine. It did not disappoint. Family members can be different when you get them away from everyone else. They talk more and I think Brian and I really enjoy times like that over dinner with each of our family members. Everyone has something to say if you give them a chance.

The past 11 days after the birth have been extremely up and down. I had 3 main prayer requests before, during, and at the end of the pregnancy.
#1- I prayed for a girl, for at least a year
#2- I prayed for a full term delivery
#3- I prayed that this baby would flip so I could push him out

Not sure if you heard, but none of them were answered. I am not a fan of bitterness so I have been trying to deal with my issues and not bury them. I had a huge cry session about 6 days after Benton was born b/c I realized I am never going to have a daughter now. I don't want him to be a girl, I want him, but it wasn't until later that I realized I am NEVER going to have a daughter. Phew, that was hard. Lots of crying and talking about all the things a girl plans in her head for the future. I feel better. I realize at times it will be hard again, but I am a mother of boys and that isn't going to change.

The hardest time has probably been with the c-section. I am feeling 10x better, but for whatever reason I am upset that the story went that way. Today I recieved some encouraging words that I have listed below.

I have found much comfort while reading The Unshakable Truth by Josh and Sean McDowell. Pages 428-431 have been an inspiration to me and I would like to quote some of it: “In Romans 8, the apostle Paul gives us several eternal insights. He first says, ‘Even we Christians, although we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, also groan to be released from pain and suffering’ (Romans 8:23) This passage makes it clear that optimism doesn’t come from denying our present pain. Paul goes on to say that ‘the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress…And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them’ (Romans 8:26, 28) Paul had the answer: We can place our trust in God because he is sovereign and obviously knows what he’s doing. When we do this, the Holy Spirit, who lives inside each individual Christian, will cause everything to work together for good. This does not mean that everything will work together for our comfort, or that everything will work together to spare us difficulties, pain, or trials…......by trusting in God, not only as our Savior but also as our sovereign Lord who does all things well, we can be confident that he will cause all things—even the bad things that happen to us—to work together for our good and his glory…. Our confidence in and conviction about a God who loves us beyond words and causes all things, even tragedies, to work together for good can produce within us a spirit of gratitude, courage, and optimism in the face of life—and death.”

I think my favorite line is "optimism doesn't come from denying our pain". This isn't easy, any of it. Watching your perfectly healthy baby sit in a box for 11 days waiting to nurse him and watching strangers try to tell you what is best for him is HARD. I had a major break down in the NICU today and it was quite embarrassing. My nurse told me it could be 5 weeks before he went home and I just flipped emotionally. I know all the nurses and here they are just staring at me while I am bawling b/c dang it- 5 weeks is too long. Hope differed makes the heart sick and I just can't do that, but I may have to. Not to mention I have this nasty rash, you can see it on my neck.

I made Benton a blanket, since the girl blanket has since been passed on. He loved it. It is way softer than those nasty hospital blankets that look like they are from 1983. Next are curtains. I doubt he is going to fancy the pink ones that are currently hanging up!

So, in general- YES I realize my situation could be way worse. That doesn't really help me. God has given us a healthy child and I am so thankful, but again things just aren't always easy by only telling yourself the good. I was able to spend a significant amount of quality time with 3 of my girlfriends. That brought a lot of healing to me. One of them said that even though my prayers were not answered that God is still getting glory in the situation. I have no choice but to believe her. I have no choice but to believe that God is sovereign and obviously knows what he’s doing
and that we can be confident that he will cause all things—even the bad things that happen to us—to work together for our good and his glory

I realize this blog was all over the place but I got it out and I think that will help me move on. I ran into a Speech Pathologist in the elevator and told her that I got my bachelors but not my masters. She was appalled! She said " I can't believe you didn't go on, we are in HIGH demand right now!" I just shook my head and said to myself, "lady, I am in high demand right now." I have a husband who has been pulling my weight for weeks now with little or no reward. I have 2 toddlers whose lives have become unstable and have been flipped upside down and I have a newborn that needs me to keep him alive! Of course, working is not bad but I have huge responsibilities that I need to take care of.

Anyways, Benton is doing great as always. He is up to 4lbs12oz. We might get to try to nurse at the end of the week. He is beautiful, starting to really look like Baker. He told me he wants to go home, and I don't blame him. We will see, we will see. God is good.
The End