Going Home Soon

Well, just wanted to update any potential readers that things are going very well. Benton has done an outstanding job as a preemie. We received word that he will be circumcised on Sunday and I will "room in" at the hospital Sunday and Monday night. If he continues to do well for those 2 days, then we will go home on Tuesday. For Friday and Saturday I have nursed him 5 out of his 8
feeds. He has gained over an ounce each day- which is HUGE. He has also been sleeping in a crib vs. the awful isollette box. He is like a real baby now, lol.

Nan just left. The boys had a fantastic time playing with her. It was a busy week b/c I was up at the hospital nursing or pumping most of the time, but it was also a slow week b/c the boys were sick. She did a great job taking care of them and although she was sad to leave, I think she will be happy to get some rest. They take up so much energy! Anyhow, we were really, really glad she was able to come.

As for me, I am doing quite well. Things had been very up and down but they have been up for a while now. I can't help but be encouraged that Benton is doing so well. My goal was to be home by December 1st (which would have been the end of my bed rest) and it looks like we will beat that. I am feeling so so so much better physically. The c-section took a toll on me in many ways but I am feeling almost normal. I just have to know my limitations.

God has provided so tremendously for us. I can't express how blessed we are by the people here in North Dakota. Over and over we are getting visitors (who have to drive 100MILES) and mail and meals and money. I forgot that people give you money when you have a baby! It has been so encouraging. I was excited to take Benton to Dickinson to meet my Nodak friends and then I realized.... almost all my friends have come up already. There are a couple he has left to meet, but for the most part- they have all met him. It warms my heart.

A lot of people have asked about our Thanksgiving. They made a turkey at the Ronald McDonald house and then TX Roadhouse catered in the sides. Here are some pics. It was a good meal, but I don't think we relized it was Thanksgiving. Our minds were just in different places and it snuck up on us.

Thanks for all your calls and thoughts and prayers. We are doing very well and will be so happy to be home! Life is so much easier for Baker and Beau at home. I am excited to make a nursery. This is our first child to come home from the hospital to his very own room. How lucky is he! Anyways, I will keep updating but thanks for all the prayers.

Hope

Hope is what I have been missing in the past couple of days.

I was discouraged that I may have to permanently move into the Ronald McDonald house, but I feel hopeful again that this will end. One thing Beth Moore has taught me is to find verses and cling to them. I did this when I was put on bed rest and as easy as it has been to be angry with the my current situation, I can't remain there. Gotta get outta that pit girlfriend! So, here are the things I am clinging to:

That the man that remains steadfast under trial IS BLESSED (even if I can't recognize it at the time) James 1:12

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12. This one is very hard to live out.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds. James 1:2. Trying to count it as joy.

Benton is doing so great. He is up to 5lbs4oz as of yesterday. He has nursed twice and has latched on both times. Now we just have to slowly work up from 1 feed a day to 8 feeds a day. I have no idea how long this will take. My goal is to be home by December 1, but we will see.

Baker and Beau have been sick, we had to take Baker to the doctor. I am not concerned though. If its not one thing, its another, and sometimes it is one thing and another.

Nan is here and taking great care of the boys. They are staying inside and reading books, playing games, watching movies, and of course, wearing costumes. They are an easy source of joy.

Hope you all are staying warm. Winter is here! For this first week, I still find it extremely refreshing. Snow is beautiful and I am ready for Christmas music!

Longest blog... EVER

Blogging is so therapeutic for me. Sometimes I think I should just blog for myself and no one needs to read it b/c it accomplishes its purpose by me getting my thoughts down on paper. I am told over and over though, how people love my honesty. I don't know if that means most people lie or keep things quiet that I don't or what. I am not good at lying and I am not good at censoring when to keep my mouth shut. A lot of times that has gotten me in trouble, but I don't think it will today. Anyone who has the stamina to read the entire blog obviously cares enough to deserve to know how I am doing. Anyhow, I need some therapy, so here goes.

My mom was here last week and she was amazing. I had a great time just being with her. When I visit Oklahoma it can be
hard to have "quality" time b/c she is cooking and babysitting and just entertaining. This visit was much different. She spent ALL her time babysitting 3 of us, only a little bit cooking, and I didn't have to share here with anyone else!

It was really fun to watch her get to know the boys better. They can be pretty intense. She learned just how smart Baker is and how ornery Beau is! She got to see their quirks about underwear, their desire to ALWAYS be in costume, and how much they love people.

Life goes at a different pace with the boys. The first few days were stressful b/c I was so helpless but slowly we got into a groove and things were good. Each morning we had eggs, pancakes, and sausage for breakfast. Yum!

On Saturday afternoon they closed the NICU for a procedure and the boys were all asleep, so what did we do? Went to get our eyebrows waxed and ended up with pedicures and manicures! It was great. The whole visit was just nice. I had some postpartum issues after Baker was born while my mom was staying with us in Tulsa. I cried a lot and didn't talk much. This time I was able to open up and talk and talk and talk, and cry and cry and cry.

We tried out a new restaurant "Five Guys, Burgers and Fries". It was excellent. My mom had read about it in Restaurant Magazine. It did not disappoint. Family members can be different when you get them away from everyone else. They talk more and I think Brian and I really enjoy times like that over dinner with each of our family members. Everyone has something to say if you give them a chance.

The past 11 days after the birth have been extremely up and down. I had 3 main prayer requests before, during, and at the end of the pregnancy.
#1- I prayed for a girl, for at least a year
#2- I prayed for a full term delivery
#3- I prayed that this baby would flip so I could push him out

Not sure if you heard, but none of them were answered. I am not a fan of bitterness so I have been trying to deal with my issues and not bury them. I had a huge cry session about 6 days after Benton was born b/c I realized I am never going to have a daughter now. I don't want him to be a girl, I want him, but it wasn't until later that I realized I am NEVER going to have a daughter. Phew, that was hard. Lots of crying and talking about all the things a girl plans in her head for the future. I feel better. I realize at times it will be hard again, but I am a mother of boys and that isn't going to change.

The hardest time has probably been with the c-section. I am feeling 10x better, but for whatever reason I am upset that the story went that way. Today I recieved some encouraging words that I have listed below.

I have found much comfort while reading The Unshakable Truth by Josh and Sean McDowell. Pages 428-431 have been an inspiration to me and I would like to quote some of it: “In Romans 8, the apostle Paul gives us several eternal insights. He first says, ‘Even we Christians, although we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, also groan to be released from pain and suffering’ (Romans 8:23) This passage makes it clear that optimism doesn’t come from denying our present pain. Paul goes on to say that ‘the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress…And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them’ (Romans 8:26, 28) Paul had the answer: We can place our trust in God because he is sovereign and obviously knows what he’s doing. When we do this, the Holy Spirit, who lives inside each individual Christian, will cause everything to work together for good. This does not mean that everything will work together for our comfort, or that everything will work together to spare us difficulties, pain, or trials…......by trusting in God, not only as our Savior but also as our sovereign Lord who does all things well, we can be confident that he will cause all things—even the bad things that happen to us—to work together for our good and his glory…. Our confidence in and conviction about a God who loves us beyond words and causes all things, even tragedies, to work together for good can produce within us a spirit of gratitude, courage, and optimism in the face of life—and death.”

I think my favorite line is "optimism doesn't come from denying our pain". This isn't easy, any of it. Watching your perfectly healthy baby sit in a box for 11 days waiting to nurse him and watching strangers try to tell you what is best for him is HARD. I had a major break down in the NICU today and it was quite embarrassing. My nurse told me it could be 5 weeks before he went home and I just flipped emotionally. I know all the nurses and here they are just staring at me while I am bawling b/c dang it- 5 weeks is too long. Hope differed makes the heart sick and I just can't do that, but I may have to. Not to mention I have this nasty rash, you can see it on my neck.

I made Benton a blanket, since the girl blanket has since been passed on. He loved it. It is way softer than those nasty hospital blankets that look like they are from 1983. Next are curtains. I doubt he is going to fancy the pink ones that are currently hanging up!

So, in general- YES I realize my situation could be way worse. That doesn't really help me. God has given us a healthy child and I am so thankful, but again things just aren't always easy by only telling yourself the good. I was able to spend a significant amount of quality time with 3 of my girlfriends. That brought a lot of healing to me. One of them said that even though my prayers were not answered that God is still getting glory in the situation. I have no choice but to believe her. I have no choice but to believe that God is sovereign and obviously knows what he’s doing
and that we can be confident that he will cause all things—even the bad things that happen to us—to work together for our good and his glory

I realize this blog was all over the place but I got it out and I think that will help me move on. I ran into a Speech Pathologist in the elevator and told her that I got my bachelors but not my masters. She was appalled! She said " I can't believe you didn't go on, we are in HIGH demand right now!" I just shook my head and said to myself, "lady, I am in high demand right now." I have a husband who has been pulling my weight for weeks now with little or no reward. I have 2 toddlers whose lives have become unstable and have been flipped upside down and I have a newborn that needs me to keep him alive! Of course, working is not bad but I have huge responsibilities that I need to take care of.

Anyways, Benton is doing great as always. He is up to 4lbs12oz. We might get to try to nurse at the end of the week. He is beautiful, starting to really look like Baker. He told me he wants to go home, and I don't blame him. We will see, we will see. God is good.
The End

Birth Story

A lot of blogs have been swirling through my head since I was put on bed rest. Right now I think the birth story is the most important one to get down, before I forget. I also don't think many people even know the story b/c it was so up and down and quickly changing. It is NOTHING like I had hoped my last story to be, but God is still good and all is well. So, here goes:

On Halloween evening I was put on bed rest b/c my cervix had begun dilating to 2cm. I received the steroid shot for the baby's lungs. I did not get this with Beau. I loved bed rest. It was a beautiful thing to watch. As one friend put it "the body of Christ was functioning as it should". Our church and friends completely embraced us. We love that church! We quickly worked out a schedule for the boys and Brian so I could rest. It was awesome, way way too short. Brian was a super hero during this time. He exceeded my expectations and probably gained a better perspective on my responsibilities. He asked me if I wanted to get a job... if I was happy doing all these things for the family. I assured him home was the best place for me and work was the best place for him. We have learned to embrace our fifferent roles.

Wednesday 11/2 saw Dr. Arnold and my cervix remained at 2cm. Bed rest was working. This was the day that Beau would have come. I was ecstatic to make it to this day!

Friday evening I started to think something was wrong. I knew how much pain it was to be fully dilated but I couldn't remember what it felt like in the beginning stages of labor. I thought things might be changing b/c my braxton hicks were becoming painful. It was hard b/c I was half full of hope that I would go to term and then there was still half of me that knew my body had no chance. I rested in the power of prayer. There were just way way too many righteous prayers being lifted up for them to avail anything less than "much". Literally, there were people all over North America praying for us (I do have a friend in Canada).

Well, we timed the contractions and they weren't to the point of calling the doctor yet so I tried sleeping. At 1:30am I said, no- this isn't right and I called the hospital. They said to come in immediately. At that point I thought I would go in, get a shot to stop labor and come home. I hadn't brought myself to pack a hospital bag for fear that it would go against any hope I had. A friend came over to sleep with the boys, thanks Sarah!

Well... when I got to the hospital I had dilated to 4cm and they said I will be transported via ambulance to Bismarck. They gave me a shot and a pill to stop the contractions. They also verified that the baby was still breech. There was about a 5 min period here when fear set in. I am not going to lie. It sounded awful to get cut open and get in an ambulance and all the while our family was so far away. It just us and the Lord. All I could do to comfort myself was say that "God is good, no matter what the circumstances". He had a plan for us and He is sovereign and I had to rest in that. Or I suppose I could have just had a major breakdown, but I guess that is part of growing up!

Oh I wish you all had been there to see us though. I had watched several birth videos to help with breathing techniques and Brian and I were doing so well compared to our other 2 birth experiences. I was managing pain and he was being a great bedside helper. We were holding it together, for the first time.

Anyways, about 2:30am I was put in the ambulance to be driven the 100 miles due East to the capital city. I did ask the EMT to take my picture, since no one was there to see this happening. Brian tried to follow the ambulance but apparently we were flying! I only had 3 contractions on the way so I was glad that my uterus had settled down.

Immediately upon arriving at MedCenter One Hospital in Bismarck I felt a huge relief. This is an amazing hospital and as soon as they wheeled me into the birth center I could see that at once I felt better. I mean.... you have to remember, not only are we not in Oklahoma, not near family, I am not even going to see my doctor or pick a doctor. This is 100% strangers! I felt like Mary in Bethlehem, except there was room at the inn for me. None the less I saw her story from a new perspective and couldn't help but wonder if she had similar emotions.

Since my contractions had subsided they told me they would allow me to stay pregnant as long as possibly- even up to my due date. You can't imagine the relief we felt. (Brian made it to the hospital about 5 min after I arrived). I think it was probably a very scary drive for him. Thankfully he was able to talk with his parents and my mom and I think that probably calmed him. it was prob 6:30am now.

So... we slept a little maybe and then the contractions were back. I absolutely loved my nurses and they basically didn't leave my room for quite a while. So, what would happen is when I would contract... and they were painful by now... the baby's heart rate would dive. They were very concerned and had me do some different positions to stop this. It worked but the baby was still breech. The dr ordered them to check me again. At that point, maybe 8:30am I was 6cm and my water bag was bulging. They said I would be taken back immediately for a c-section. I even bumped some girl who was about to go back. I guess the fear was that if my water broke that the baby's butt would fall right out!

So, Brian ran out to call our parents and then they took me back. I can't tell you how much I was not looking forward to this part. I wanted to push my baby out and I was so not ready to find out the sex. Oh well!

I don't have anything positive to say about the c-section except that it worked and I we learned more about my issues during it. Apparently instead of the top of my uterus being flat like most, mine has a sort of septum at the top, almost making it heart shaped. Dr. Perkerwicz says when she sees this it tells her that those patients are much more likely to have breech or pre-term babies. Lets review
baby #1- breech
baby #2- pre-term
baby #3- breech and pre term

I think she was right. I was very glad to know some answers too. This is planned to be our last child, especially now. Nonetheless I really appreciated knowing that.

I won't say much else about the surgery b/c it would mostly be complaining. It hurt and it took a while and it just hurt! Baby was a boy. We were shocked. No tears or anger, just shock. It took a while for it to set in. Of course, I had prayed for a girl and a vbac and those things didn't come true but all the prayers were fulfilled in Benton's health. We didn't see him at all for a long time or hear him or know his weight. That was hard. Then, when we heard he was breathing on his own and he was 4lb5oz we were again stunned. I didn't know it was an option for him to breath on his own. My expectations were exceeded. I can't say much about it not being a girl. It hit me later when I saw the headbands and gowns I had packed, that I would never use them. It was hard to tell people b/c you know that they wanted a girl for me too but I don't know, I wasn't really sad at all. God gave me grace. I needed that!!!!

So, healing has been slow but good. Today I feel the best yet and I am getting some milk out. Benton is.... phenomenal. Doing so well. Still breathing on his own and eating through his nose tube. They may even remove his IV- wow. God is taking care of him.

Hope you enjoyed the story. Our last story, but still ours. We love Benton, our baby. I am trying to soak him in and enjoy it all. My mom will arrive tomorrow and I am so grateful. I need her physically, logistically, and emotionally. Bobby and Courtney have been watching the boys. This all would be impossible without them and I am so grateful that they stepped up for us. It is just a natural overflow of their hearts and I think that is the coolest part to watch. They are in the process of adopting a girl from Ethiopia and it has been a blessing to walk through the process with them. The Lord has been shaping their hearts and He has provided for them so much. Here is their blog if you are interested.
http://waitingonsix.blogspot.com/
She is a great writer. They also brought the boys up last night to surprise us. I cried. I miss those fart faces. They are ornery but they are mine too. Baker really misses us and he is concerned for his brother. I have a good family. Then Brian's mom will be up the week of Thanksgiving. We are going to make it! Then, my sister will be up in December and Brian's whole family over Christmas. I am excited to see so many people.

Love you guys, thanks for reading!

Becky