There are days, too many of them, when I question if I truly have a heart. I spent the first 3/4 of my life being overly emotional and the last 1/4 wondering what happened to that girl. I used to be a major crier and always wore my heart on my sleeve. I can't tell you what happened because I don't know. Not sure if its age or being exhausted from raising children, but I am very un-emotional. All I know is it concerns me, especially in spiritual matters. I want to have a heart. A heart of flesh and not of stone. I want to be compassionate. If you know me WELL, you can see that these things don't come easily.
Today, however, I am reminded that I DO have a heart. I know this because it hurts and it is sooooo heavy. It is hard to go on with my day knowing the pain so many families in Oklahoma are dealing with today. I can't imagine dropping my child off at school in the morning and never picking him up. That happened for 7 families yesterday. I am grieving for them.
I love storms. I love thunder, lighting, and rain in the warm air. It's one thing North Dakota rarely has and I miss it. I have seen funnel clouds in the sky and taken shelter many times for possible tornadoes that never touched down. Legend is that my hometown is on sacred Indian burial ground so no tornado can touch down. We will see.
I remember the May 3rd tornado. I remember leaving my sister's soccer game quickly. I remember my dad getting pegged with hail trying to get us out of the car. The hail bruised him for weeks. The tornado was 70 miles away but we were a part of the storm. I remember driving through Moore and seeing the damage, much like the Murrah building. It's definitely worse in person and this is worse than May 3rd. I know nothing of this magnitude of damage.
I am not from Moore, I have never lived there but I have spent countless hours there. We shopped there, we ate there, and in college I did Young Life at WestMoore high school (which is where those 2 elementary schools end up.... at least before South Moore). I have friends whose parents are there. I am pretty sure we went bowing at the flattened bowling alley. It was the stomping ground for so much of my Young Life time. Basically it was 15 minutes from OU, where Brian and I went to college and right off the interstate. An extremely familiar area. I also have two very dear friends who saw the tornado and had to run to neighbors homes. They are okay.
Needless to say, I did not take the news well. I was a wreck. Poor Brian. I know pregnancy figures in here, but it just hit home so hard. I know the effect was the same for many people.
I kept asking myself why this was harder to watch than Sandy Hook, which was awful also. Is it because I have been there? Or is it because there is no one to blame? No Russian brothers, no Taliban, no psycho, no Joker. If you were to blame someone it would only be the keeper of the skies. Thankfully, no one is doing that. No one is asking why. Coincidently enough, tornado alley and the Bible Belt are pretty much the same territory!
As hard as it has been to watch the news, and then to turn off the news, one thing has remained the same. Our God is good. Sometimes it still seems like a foreign concept to me to disassociate events in life with the character of God. I have really only learned to do this over the past couple of years. Before I would praise The Lord because of my circumstances, not despite them. Now I have to know that just because I am a "Christian" doesn't mean my life will be perfect, doesn't mean my prayers will be answered, and doesn't mean I will recieve infinite blessings. It doesnt even mean I will deliver a healthy baby girl. His feelings for me are also not associated with how things turn out. He loved those 7 kids who died yesterday and I am no more important to Him than they are. Kids die. Moms get sick. Friends can't get pregnant. Women have miscarriages. Babies are stillborn. Bad things happen to people God loves, people who pray. We just can't let it change our "feeling" towards our Savior.
Last night "The Voice" was on and I was so annoyed. I just wanted more coverage. I found out today though that one contestant delivered a providential song "How Great Thou Art". Amazing timing, amazing performance, and amazing truth. How great Thou art!
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