Gospel Amnesia and Texas

Before we move to Tulsa I want to share some of the things we have learned while in Texas. Some of the things that made this random 11 months in Texas necessary. I will share one today:

1. The truth of the gospel. As pod-casters Andy and Kendra Fletcher put it- I was suffering from gospel amnesia. Meaning, I have known the truth of the gospel since I was a little girl. I understood the cross and I certainly had a relationship with Christ. I would have defined myself as a "mature Christian" and I am sure you would have too right? I am not saying its a false statement, just that it was a way I identified myself "mature Christian". I can help you. I have good answers. Read Baby Wise. Listen to Dave Ramsey and do what he says. Be kind. Invite people over for dinner. Go to church. All good suggestions I might have given people because those are the rhythms of our life. None of these are bad things but I had MOST definitely turned to a "lifestyle evangelism". My hope was in the way I lived, not in Christ.

Now,  BECAUSE I became a Christian at a young age I felt....like my life should reflect that. For the most part I had stayed on the straight and narrow. I definitely knew I was a sinner. My sin was SO apparent to me and has become more apparent the more kids I get! But I felt like that was a contradiction.  I thought that in the process of sanctification I should be seeing my sin less and less, not more and more.

The doors busted wide open for me at Gospel Life Church in New Braunfels. Knowing me, you have to know I walk in to impress. Cute dress, nice smile, somewhat put together children, and well as a first time guest I needed to let them know I was a "mature Christian" not a seeker. Oh man- I can still see it all so clearly. Anyways, the preacher gets up and within his sermon says "hey- this is how I struggle. I need you to pray for me."  And he was straight up honest about some temptation he had dealt with. Woah- I was like...  this isn't normal. You are admitting to being a sinner?? You can do that? You aren't going to try to impress me??

After a few short weeks of consistently hearing messages that point back to the gospel and our need for it I feel like this HUGE weight was lifted from me. I am a sinner (which I knew) and that's okay because now I am in a room with people who are also sinners. I no longer need to appear as if I have it all together. I no longer need to impress you because guess what? YOU need Jesus too. I don't think anyone who knows me would consider me to be a poser, that's not what I am saying. I am describing an internal battle of me feeling like my life didn't reflect what it should have.

The summer of 2012 I read "Radical", "7", and "Kisses from Katie". Woah- talk about conviction or maybe for me it was just guilt. I feel like the life of a true believer was clearly painted out for me and guess what? I wasn't fitting the mold! And not for lack of trying. I wanted to do produce the fruit that I was reading about b/c that is just what someone like me should be doing. It wasn't out of an overflow of my heart and it wasn't in thanks to God.

They toss around a quote at this church about as we mature in Christ our sin DOES become more and more apparent and BECAUSE our sin is apparent so is our NEED FOR A SAVIOR. My goodness I can't tell you what freedom that brought me. My good deeds are still as filthy rags to him. I still can't earn my way to heaven. My passage has already been paid for, but I have been living as if I didn't need it!!!

 During this season in Texas I have felt SO loved by God. SO INCREDIBLY LOVED BY GOD. I have cried buckets of tears during church services knowing that I don't meet the standard. I am NOT good enough yet He loves me anyways. I need grace. I need the blood of Christ and I shouldn't hide that. I shouldn't act as if I have it all together, which if you know me I think you know I didn't have it even close together, lol. But there is so much freedom walking as someone who desperately needs Christ instead of walking as someone trying to hold it all together.

I am excited to approach this new season as a wretched sinner. I know that I have a new identity in Christ and I know that when he lives in me I will have fruit and I will reflect him, but  man it is so nice to switch my focus from what my life should look like to my need for the cross and to a Saviour whom deserves everything I have.

Mark Burget would always tell this story about two old war veterans. One of the men had saved the other man's life during the war. Many years had passed and the man was sick and needed a constant companion or care taker. The man's whose life he had saved gave up everything and came to live with his fellow soldier and care for him. One day they were on a train as old men and one was caring for the other and someone commented on how he was caring for his friend and maybe even suggested he didn't need to be responsible for him and sacrifice his own plans to care for him. The man's response is  one quote that has hung with me since college: "I don't think you understand, after what he did for me- I would do anything for him. " And that is the crux. I forgot what Christ did for me. I forgot how much I needed him.

"We who are Jews by birth and not 'Gentile sinners' know that a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we, too, have put our faith in Christ Jesus that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by observing the law, because by observing the law, no one will be justified........The life I live in the body, I live by faith in  the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing. " Galatians 2:17,20

I will end with some of my favorite lyrics from "Man of Sorrows" by Hillsong

Now my debt is paidIt is paid in fullBy the precious bloodThat my Jesus spilledNow the curse of sinHas no hold on meWhom the Son sets freeOh is free indeed

Oh that rugged cross
My salvation
Where Your love poured out over me
Now my soul cries out
Hallelujah
Praise and honour unto Thee